An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.
Next Pls..."

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and put a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thought this was a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and
went to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" This is the same gasoline you gave me last time.

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months Ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I
think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


The Frenchman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The third replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Bro Anthem, too early for Christmas humor, but the drunk gimme a push was the BEST!!!!

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."



Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret ....
"Do you think he means her first,
second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . .her legs."